I would like to start off by saying, that Northern FanCon as a convention is absolutely fantastic. The venue was good, the attendees were spectacular, and all the volunteers were wonderful. All in all, as a convention it was amazing!
But unfortunately for me, I had other stuff going on which caused me not to really enjoy myself.
I don’t quite remember whether or not I’ve ever really talked about anything like this, but I’m pretty sure if you’ve been following me for a while it is quite apparent… I tend to deal with a lot of mental baggage. Depression, was a major part of my life for quite a while. Still creeps up on me from time to time, but all in all, not as big an issue as it used to be. Unfortunately I also deal with anxiety and a few other things that cause me to be a bit of a walking train wreck…
Anyway, I had started feeling out of sorts during the Calgary Expo, but because I was on the go that whole weekend, and when I came back, I never really got a chance to deal with it. And then I was off to B.C. for Northern FanCon…
The trip there and Friday seemed fine.
Things didn’t seem too bad until Saturday morning. Things had started to pile up, and my brain was already having a hard enough time dealing with all that (stress, unpleasant texts/emails, being at a new convention, being in an unfamiliar city, general feeling of not being good enough, etc), and then that morning I had gotten some more unkind words via social media site…. So that got added to the pile that was at this point starting to topple. And then someone was nice, and offered me advice…. Unfortunately, my brain didn’t hear it as advice, because the advice also involved critique, and that apparently was the feather on the pile… enough weight to bring everything down.
I spent pretty much all Saturday telling myself that if I waited 7 more hours, 6 more hours, 5 more hours…. I could go back to my room and work it out there. Honestly, though… I wanted to run away. I wanted to find a quiet corner some where and cry until the squeezing pressure in my chest and head was gone.
But I sat, and I smiled. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but I talked to everyone who came to my table. I made jokes. And I took deep breaths between every encounter. Counting down the hours. Trying to keep myself distracted with phone games and doodles.
I almost made it to the end of the day too. But one of my friends from another booth came to see me, and when they asked if I was ok, they knew I was lying when I said I was. And then they gave me a hug. And it all came out…
I had to go for a walk after that. Eventually calming down enough to make it through the last 30 minutes.
After the con, I walked back to my room… trying to not cry as much, because nothing seems more pathetic than a girl crying all the way “home”. But when I got to my room I definitely let it out…. And then I felt like an idiot for not packing any paint, because I probably could have made a kick ass picture with how I was feeling at that moment.
Sunday was a bit better…. I was mentally exhausted. And physically, at that point as well. I probably looked as drained as I felt. I remember someone who had seen me on Saturday telling me I looked tired on Sunday.
So…. I didn’t get any good pictures for you guys. And I’m sorry…. But thats why. I was so tied up in my own head that pictures and everything like that just didn’t seem important to me.
I’m sorry I let my head stuff get in the way of what I try to keep as a fun blog…. But it still is my blog, so… bleh 😛
Since I have been home I have received numerous kitty cuddles, and have eaten more than enough junk food to qualify me as a glutton. I have also been able to talk with friends and paint and doodle whatever remaining feelings I had about the last 2 weeks… So I am doing better now. I’m not exactly 100%, but I am definitely better than I was before.
I’ll try to make the next post a more interesting one.